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SALMOND TO GENERATE ELECTRICITY BY RUBBING HIMSELF AGAINST SHEREEN NANJIANI
Politics - Politics Headlines
FIRST minister Alex Salmond plans to satisfy the nation's energy needs by rubbing himself against a variety of high profile Scots.
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CAMERON TO SPEND TWO WEEKS AS A WHEELIE BIN
Politics - Politics Headlines

TORY leader David Cameron is to spend two weeks living as a wheelie bin in East London in a bid to highlight the current crisis in British refuse collection.

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IT'S WAR!!! DUTCH SET FIRE TO CUTTY SARK
News - War

THE Dutch last night claimed responsibility for setting fire to the Scottish-built Cutty Sark and warned that no Scots ships were safe during the war with Holland. 

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MARS TO LAUNCH 'BEEFTESERS'
News - News Headlines

MARS, the confectionery giant, is to launch a brand of chocolate covered treats called 'Beeftesers' to cash in on the new and growing market for meat flavoured sweets.

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Opinion

ONE WOMAN'S WEEK: FIGHTING THE FAT

By Karen Fenessey

I really believe it’s a wonderful thing that I can look around our British streets and see so many different walks of life being not only tolerated, but encouraged. The whites walk alongside the blacks, the rich with the poor, and the gays with the normal.

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News Briefly

FREESAT TO INCLUDE BBC,
ITV AND 36 CHANNELS OF
OBSCURE, UNWATCHABLE SHIT
"I'm looking forward to repeats of Shoestring," says old woman with nothing better to do

 
WEST BROM AND STOKE
BEGIN COUNTDOWN
TO RELEGATION
"It's going to be an exciting year of home defeats and cold, harsh reality," say ecstatic fans


ITV'S 'FLOOD' EVEN

WORSE THAN 'DAY
AFTER TOMORROW'
"You must listen to me or millions of people will die," says maverick scientist who is estranged from his maverick son


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