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SCOTLAND TO BUY SECOND HAND CAR WITH OWN MONEY
Politics - Politics Headlines

FIRST minister Alex Salmond will today announce that Scotland is to get a part-time job and save up enough money to buy a car.

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BLAIR HIRES SCARY CLOWN TO STALK BROWN
Politics - Politics Headlines
TONY Blair has appointed a sinister clown to stalk Gordon Brown for the next two years in a bid to drive the Prime Minister "even further round the bend".
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Weekending: Market Turmoil
News - Weekending
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STINKY CAT GETS PLUM AMBASSADORIAL ROLE
News - News Headlines
PRIME Minister Gordon Brown was embroiled in a fresh cronyism controversy last night after it emerged he had appointed his cat to be the ambassador to Pomerania.
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Opinion

GUEST BLOG: NOEL GALLAGHER

THE Olympics - what the fuck was that all about? Every morning, right, that Scottish bird off the telly would sit on a sofa telling us that we'd won a bronze medal in the women’s catapult and that everyone could now go to work with a big smile on their face - in retrospect I think she somehow mistook me for somebody who gives a fuck.

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News Briefly

15 YEAR-OLDS FORCED TO
WATCH AMAZING GRACE
"Didn't learn much about slavery but Michael Gambon was on top form," says teenage wastrel


MARTIN CLUNES PAID
THOUSANDS TO REMIND
PEOPLE HOW GOOD
LEONARD ROSSITER WAS
"I didn't get where I am today by not wasting licence payers' money on pointless remakes," says BBC arse


SELF-ABSORBED WOMEN
CELEBRATE DIDO COMEBACK
"It's the soundtrack to my topsy-turvy life," says unbearable cow


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