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Olympics Briefly

TERRIBLE FATE AWAITS
CHINESE BRONZE MEDALLISTS
"There were no Chinese bronze medallists, you are mistaken," says sinister government spokesman


STEWARDS LOSE TRACK
OF YACHTING CLASSES
"I'm pretty sure the British invented at least two of them on Saturday afternoon," says official

CHINA CROWNED
KING KONG OF
PING PONG
"You know nothing of pings and pongs," China tells Earth

TOP 10 THIS MONTH

• ALCOHOL TO CARRY 'SHITFACED' WARNING
• BRITAIN WILLING BT BROADBAND COUPLE TO SPLIT
• MILLIONAIRE ACTORS TOLD TO CHEER THE F*CK UP
• WEST APPLAUDS CHINA'S TREATMENT OF UGLY CHILD
• SMOKERS URGE GATES TO PRODUCE SOFTWARE THAT ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKS
• NORTH GHASTLY
• GOVERNMENT ORDERS EVERYONE TO MOVE HOUSE
• ESTATE AGENTS CELEBRATE RETURN OF SCRABULOUS
• RUSSIA EVIL AFTER ALL
• CENTRICA LOVING IT

TOP 10 EVER

• PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO F*CKING PARK ON BRINK OF EXTINCTION
• FRENCH TRADER WAS FORCED TO WORK 30 HOURS A WEEK
• 'LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS F*CKING RAT' SAY ZOOLOGISTS
• BRA RESEARCH MUST GO ON, VOWS SCIENTIST
• SCOTLAND DIES LAUGHING
• GOVERNMENT TO TACKLE BINGE-W*NKING
• CANNABIS NOW WORSE THAN THE NAZIS
• LEAVE BACON OUT OF IT, HEALTH EXPERTS WARNED
• I'LL BE JUST FINE, SAYS PLANET
• LIVING IN A BIG GLASS TUBE CAN ADD 40 YEARS TO YOUR LIFE, SAY EXPERTS

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