With Peter Alliss

OOOH dear, he's come up short again. Reminds me of the late, great Snuffy Edwards back in '53. He had just played his approach to the 12th at Carnoustie, when all of a sudden - zap! - he's vaporised by a lightning strike. He was, of course, disqualified for failing to sign his card. I suppose these days they'd have let him off...

CHINA BANS 'THREATENING
ENTERTAINERS'
AND COLDPLAY
"Chris Martin is a threat to me not throwing up," says Hu Jintao

PLEASE DON'T SEND
ME TO JAILY-WAIL,
PLEADS BRAND
"They will make me their bitchy-witch and do nasty things to my bummy-wum," says hairdo

BANK RELEASES NEW
BULLSHIT INFLATION FIGURE
"If inflation really is 3.8%, I'll eat the hat I had to sell to buy food," says dissatisfied consumer