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CAGE FIGHTING ROBBERS
SPENT £53M ON HOMO-
EROTIC TATTOOS
"Mine is of Leonardo di Caprio in Gangs of New York, all buffed and ready for action," says accused

NATIONAL ECONOMIC
COUNCIL TO MAKE LIST OF
ALL THE THINGS IT CAN'T DO
"I hope the biscuits are good for a change, there's always rubbish biscuits at these things," says junior trade minister

PALIN CLAIMS VICTORY
AFTER NOT SOUNDING LIKE
TOTAL AND UTTER FUCKNUT
FOR ENTIRE DEBATE
"Just because I don't understand any of this doesn't mean I can't talk about it," says candidate

TOP FIVE THIS MONTH

• OBAMA DEFENDS 'CREATIONIST PSYCHO BITCH' REMARK
• CARNAGE AS FACEBOOK MOVES EVERYTHING SLIGHTLY TO THE LEFT
• BASTARD AMERICANS RUIN YOUR LIFE
• NOTHING CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG WITH GIGANTIC NEW BANK
• LEHMAN EXECS TO LEAD SLIGHTLY LESS OPULENT LIFESTYLES

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Mash TV: oh christ, it's Paul Daniels