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GETTING DRUNK AND URINATING ON YOUR BOSS'S DESK IS NOT YOUR FAULT, SAY EXPERTS
News - Health

PEOPLE who get drunk and then empty their bladder on and around their boss's workspace are the victims of 21st century society, a major study has revealed.
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SPRINGBOK PLOT TO STEAL WILKINSON'S FEET
Sport - Sport Headlines

POLICE have thwarted an attempt by the South African rugby association to steal Johnny Wilkinson's feet before Saturday's world cup final.
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BOOKER PRIZE GOES TO THRILLING PAGE-TURNER ABOUT THE INTANGIBLE NATURE OF LOSS
News - Arts & Entertainment

ANNE Enright has won Britain's most prestigious literary award for her latest rollercoaster thrill-ride of a novel about some Irish people having a big talk about this and that. 
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PUB LUNCHES COST £20 BUT STILL TASTE OF DUNG AND SWEAT, SAYS REPORT
News - Business

THE cost of the traditional British pub lunch has soared to £20 even though the basic ingredients of cow pats and chef sweat have remained the same, a major industry survey has revealed.
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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

    'I've got better things to do
    than look at you all frigging day'
    buggy babies tell parents

    All prostitutes to be like
    Julia Roberts in 'Pretty Woman',
  says Home Secretary




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News Briefly

MADONNA IMPOSES
'NO GEEZERS' CLAUSE
ON RITCHIE
Film director can have full access to children as long as he does not to introduce them to cockneys.


MOTORISTS ALLOWED TO
DRIVE LIKE HOMICIDAL
MANIACS TWICE
"Drive at 60 in a 30 zone a couple of times just to get it out of your system, but then that's it," says transport minister


KEEP YOUR STUPID
KIDNEYS, SAYS BROWN
Donor plan shelved after High Court rules government does not own the bits inside you.


Opinion

ONE WOMAN'S WEEK: ONE GIANT LEAP FOR CHERYL

By Karen Fenessey

I THINK it's great America has taken a small step for man by electing a black president. But amidst all the hilarity, I must ask: when will enough be enough? How far do white folks have to go to convince the world we're sorry about slavery? And meanwhile, what about the compelling racial saga taking place right here on our own doorstep: Cheryl Cole's legendary heroics on the X Factor.
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