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WINEHOUSE HUSBAND DEMANDS DEATH PENALTY

News - Arts & Entertainment
THE husband of singer Amy Winehouse is demanding to be executed in a last ditch attempt to avoid another moment in his wife’s company.
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BROWN VOWS TO END Wii POSTCODE LOTTERY

News - Science & Technology
GORDON Brown has taken personal charge of the escalating Nintendo Wii crisis which could force millions of British children to play outdoors with real friends this Christmas.
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HE PROMISED TO OIL MY CHAIN, CLAIMS ABUSED BIKE

News - News Headlines
THE bicycle at the centre of Britain's worst case of inanimate object abuse has told how she was offered treats including expensive chain-oil, a new bell and a dynamo.
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BIKINI-CLAD LOVELIES TO PROTECT AIRPORTS

News - War
SQUADS of bikini-clad women are to be positioned outside airports in a bid to deter fanatical Islamic terrorists.
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Pale-skinned gollywog
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99p pint raises concerns about
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News Briefly

WEDGWOOD HIT BY
SHOCK COLLAPSE IN
DEMAND FOR 18TH
CENTURY FIGURINES AND
POWDER BLUE TEACUPS
"So when did you all start drinking out of mugs?" asks company spokesman

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM