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'REPLACE MY PHOTO WITH BAG OF PRAWN COCKTAIL CRISPS' DEMANDS PRINCE

News - Celebrity
PRINCE, the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince, broke into uncharted mental territory yesterday after instructing his fan websites to remove his photograph.
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UN URGES MUSHARRAF TO HIT LAWYERS HARDER

News - International
PAKISTAN president Pervez Musharraf was last night accused of ‘cynical populism’ after he ordered his police to round up thousands of lawyers and hit them with sticks.
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FIVE LAUNCHES NEW SERIES OF 'CRIME SCENE NAVY CRIME'

News - Arts & Entertainment
THE long wait is over for fans of fast-moving US police dramas as Channel Five screens the new series of Crime Scene Navy Crime.
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IDIOTS TO WASTE TWO MORE YEARS AT SCHOOL

News - News Headlines
THE age at which idiots can leave school without any qualifications is to be raised from 16 to 18, the Government announced last night.
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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

    Habitat for Humanity tennants
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    built by Sharon Stone

99p pint raises concerns about
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News Briefly

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM

CARS TO BE FITTED
WITH FUCKNUT LIMITERS
Hi-tech device will guide the car to the side of the road and park it there until you stop being a fucknut.