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ANT AND DEC SWEEP BOARD AT COMMON PEOPLE'S TV AWARDS

News - Celebrity
GEORDIE simians Anthony and Declan were the chief recipients at last night's Common People's Television Awards.
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BAG BAN FORCES RESIDENTS TO THROW THEIR SHOPPING HOME

News - Environment
SHOPPERS in the village of Minchinhamptonsteadbury have been forced to throw their goods home after a total ban on bags.
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DOLLAR NOW NANCY BOY OF INTERNATIONAL CURRENCIES

News - Business
THE US dollar is now the nancy boy of the international money markets and the gayest currency in the world.
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HOW MUCH FOR YOUR WOMAN, ABDULLAH ASKS PHILIP

News - Business
SAUDI Arabia's King Abdullah was last night locked in talks with Prince Philip over how much he would be willing to pay for Her Majesty the Queen.
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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

    Habitat for Humanity tennants
    now regret living in house
    built by Sharon Stone

99p pint raises concerns about
why it used to cost £3.50

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News Briefly

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM

CARS TO BE FITTED
WITH FUCKNUT LIMITERS
Hi-tech device will guide the car to the side of the road and park it there until you stop being a fucknut.