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APPLE TIGHTENS GRIP WITH LAUNCH OF iTOLD

News - Science & Technology
APPLE is to tighten its grip on 21st Century society this week with the launch of iTold, a new software application which will seize control of every aspect of your life.
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GAP APPALLED AT QUALITY OF CHILD STITCHING

News - Business
FASHION chain Gap has rejected an entire shipload of chinos produced by children in India saying the quality of the workmanship was “atrocious”.
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PARIS HILTON SHOWS VAGINA TO FIREMEN

News - Celebrity
CELEBRITY heiress Paris Hilton is to display her shaved vagina in a heartfelt 'thank-you' to California's brave firefighters.
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PUBLIC NOT AWARE SIMPLY RED WAS A BAND

News - Arts & Entertainment
A GINGER tit is to carry on singing despite announcing he was splitting up a band which everyone thought was just him anyway.
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News Briefly

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM

CARS TO BE FITTED
WITH FUCKNUT LIMITERS
Hi-tech device will guide the car to the side of the road and park it there until you stop being a fucknut.