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I'VE GOT LOADS OF FRIENDS,
CLAIMS ED BALLS
"I used to get picked way before Frank Field," says that weird, flabby Balls guy

 
12 YEAR-OLD WINS
ANNOYING PRECOCIOUS
BRAT OF THE YEAR
"Everyone must be quiet while I play my trombone," says tiny git

 
BURMESE PEASANTS
USE AID MONEY TO
DRILL FOR OIL
"Then you invade and kill maniac generals, yes?" says woman with no inherent economic value

TOP FOURTEEN

• PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO F*CKING PARK ON BRINK OF EXTINCTION
• FRENCH TRADER WAS FORCED TO WORK 30 HOURS A WEEK
• 'LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS F*CKING RAT' SAY ZOOLOGISTS
• BRA RESEARCH MUST GO ON, VOWS SCIENTIST
• SCOTLAND DIES LAUGHING
• CANNABIS NOW WORSE THAN THE NAZIS
• GOVERNMENT TO TACKLE BINGE-W*NKING
• LEAVE BACON OUT OF IT, HEALTH EXPERTS WARNED
• LONDON BOMB 'NOT SCARY ENOUGH', BROWN TELLS MI5
• LIVING IN A BIG GLASS TUBE CAN ADD 40 YEARS TO YOUR LIFE, SAY EXPERTS
• CHILDREN TOLD TO SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE F*CK UP FOR 18 YEARS
• APPLE FORCED TO RECALL iPHONE AFTER TOASTER FAULT
• I'LL BE JUST FINE, SAYS PLANET
• GLASGOW UNVEILS COMMONWEALTH BID LOGO

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