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INSECTS TOLD TO WALK BY GOVERNMENT

Animals - Animals headlines
THE Government has introduced tough new movement restrictions on all insects in Britain, including a blanket ban on flying.
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BLUE PETER VIEWERS WANTED TO NAME CAT 'PISSWIZARD'

Animals - Animals headlines
THE BBC has apologised to Blue Peter viewers after fixing the results of its latest 24-hour cat-naming phone-in poll.
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SIR MING TELLS LEADERSHIP CRITICS TO SPEAK UP

Politics - Politics Headlines
LIB Dem leader Sir Ming Campbell has challenged his leadership critics to an open debate as long as they promise to speak loudly and clearly.
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BALLS CALLS FOR RETURN TO OLD-FASHIONED BULLYING

News - News Headlines
THE Government is demanding a return to traditional methods of bullying after an upsurge in the use of mobile phones to exchange threats and insults.
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News Briefly

WEDGEWOOD HIT BY
SHOCK COLLAPSE IN
DEMAND FOR 18TH
CENTURY FIGURINES AND
POWDER BLUE TEACUPS
"So when did you all start drinking out of mugs?" asks company spokesman

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM