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DIE AT YOUR DESKS, DEMANDS CBI

News - Business
PEOPLE should be happy to die at their desks rather than take time off to see the doctor during office hours, the Confederation of British Industry said last night.
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MADONNA MEETS PERES TO DISCUSS THE STEADY EROSION OF HER SANITY

News - Celebrity
THE Queen of Pop has given her backing to Israeli President Shimon Peres, as well as showing him her latest impression of a tree.
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NORTHERN ROCK HANDS OUT STAFF TO CUSTOMERS

News - Business
NORTHERN Rock customers were queuing around the block today after the stricken bank said they could take home a receptionist if they left their money in their accounts.
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OPAL FRUITS COUNT TOWARDS FIVE-A-DAY, CONFIRM EXPERTS

News - Health
DIETARY experts have moved to end confusion over healthy eating by confirming that a packet of Opal Fruits does count towards the five-a-day target.
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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

    Habitat for Humanity tennants
    now regret living in house
    built by Sharon Stone

99p pint raises concerns about
why it used to cost £3.50

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News Briefly

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM

CARS TO BE FITTED
WITH FUCKNUT LIMITERS
Hi-tech device will guide the car to the side of the road and park it there until you stop being a fucknut.