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ALEX SALMOND KILLED YOUR GUINEA PIG, BLAIR TELLS SCOTS CHILDREN
Animals - Animals headlines

IN his final salvo of the election campaign Tony Blair has accused SNP leader Alex Salmond of killing the guinea pigs of thousands of Scottish children.

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MOSS SELLS RUBBISH TO PUNTERS
News - Arts & Entertainment

KATE Moss last night declared her garage sale a roaring success after thousands of punters flocked to buy the model’s unwanted clothes and bric-a-brac. 

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STEPHEN TELLS LIB DEMS: "FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK, WE SALUTE YOU"
Politics - Politics Headlines

LIBERAL Democrat leader Nicol Stephen thrilled a party election rally last night with a speech consisting entirely of AC/DC lyrics.

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WONDER DRUG BOOSTS DESIRE FOR SEX AND CHIPS
News - Health

SCIENTISTS have discovered a wonder drug that increases women’s appetite for sexual intimacy and fast food.

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Opinion

GUEST BLOG: NOEL GALLAGHER

THE Olympics - what the fuck was that all about? Every morning, right, that Scottish bird off the telly would sit on a sofa telling us that we'd won a bronze medal in the women’s catapult and that everyone could now go to work with a big smile on their face - in retrospect I think she somehow mistook me for somebody who gives a fuck.

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News Briefly

15 YEAR-OLDS FORCED TO
WATCH AMAZING GRACE
"Didn't learn much about slavery but Michael Gambon was on top form," says teenage wastrel


MARTIN CLUNES PAID
THOUSANDS TO REMIND
PEOPLE HOW GOOD
LEONARD ROSSITER WAS
"I didn't get where I am today by not wasting licence payers' money on pointless remakes," says BBC arse


SELF-ABSORBED WOMEN
CELEBRATE DIDO COMEBACK
"It's the soundtrack to my topsy-turvy life," says unbearable cow


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