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AL QAEDA TO REBRAND AS 'SCIMITAR3000'

News - Business
THE world's leading terror provider is to overhaul its identity in a £20m rebranding strategy.
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NUCLEAR WASTE MAKES LOVELY JAM SAYS GOVERNMENT

News - Science & Technology
WASTE from nuclear power is very tasty, spreads easily and makes a lovely jam for your toast in the morning, the Government said last night.
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TEENAGE BOOZERS THOROUGHLY ENJOYING THEMSELVES

News - Health
TEENAGE binge drinkers are having a great time getting totally wrecked with their mates and generally having a huge laugh, a new study has found.
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SKY UNVEILS PLANS FOR 'OIL RELIEF' DAY

News - Arts & Entertainment
SKY television is to devote an entire day of programming to the growing threats faced by the international oil industry.
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News Briefly

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM

CARS TO BE FITTED
WITH FUCKNUT LIMITERS
Hi-tech device will guide the car to the side of the road and park it there until you stop being a fucknut.