Home - The Daily Mash

DRINKS COMPANIES TO THROW LAGER INTO SCHOOL PLAYGROUNDS

News - War
DRINKS manufacturers will start lobbing cans of lager over school gates if alcohol adverts are banned before the 9pm watershed, the Daily Mash has learned.
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TORIES PLEDGE TO MAKE THEMSELVES UTTERLY POINTLESS

Politics - Politics Headlines
GORDON Brown will remain prime minister if the Conservatives win the next election, as the party launches a new campaign to make itself completely and utterly pointless.
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ALL PARENTS KILLING THEIR CHILDREN SAY GOVERNMENT

News - Health
EVERY parent in Britain is to be charged with the attempted murder of their own offspring under the latest Government proposals to combat child obesity.
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DIANA: B&Q OPENS BOOK OF INDIFFERENCE

News - News Headlines
BOOKS of Indifference were opened at B&Q branches across the country today for men who could not a give a monkeys about the 10th anniversary of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales.
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Pale-skinned gollywog
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99p pint raises concerns about
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News Briefly

WEDGWOOD HIT BY
SHOCK COLLAPSE IN
DEMAND FOR 18TH
CENTURY FIGURINES AND
POWDER BLUE TEACUPS
"So when did you all start drinking out of mugs?" asks company spokesman

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM