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TEENAGERS URGED TO SPONGE GROINS AFTER SEX
News - Health

TEENAGERS are being urged to sponge themselves thoroughly following a sharp increase in young person's sex diseases.

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YET ANOTHER BATMAN FILM WITHOUT THE BATUSI
News - Arts & Entertainment

HOLLYWOOD'S A-list has gathered in New York for the premiere of the latest Batman film not to feature the Batusi.

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BROWN TO FLOOD STREETS WITH 100,000 CRAZED THUGS
News - Society

GORDON Brown is to tackle violent crime by identifying the country's worst families and forcing them to live on the streets.

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RONNIE WOOD FINALLY SLOWS DOWN
News - Celebrity

ROLLING Stone Ronnie Wood has ditched his punishing regime of endless cocaine binges for the more sedate lifestyle of month-long drinking sessions with Russian barmaids.

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Opinion

GUEST BLOG: NOEL GALLAGHER

THE Olympics - what the fuck was that all about? Every morning, right, that Scottish bird off the telly would sit on a sofa telling us that we'd won a bronze medal in the women’s catapult and that everyone could now go to work with a big smile on their face - in retrospect I think she somehow mistook me for somebody who gives a fuck.

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News Briefly

15 YEAR-OLDS FORCED TO
WATCH AMAZING GRACE
"Didn't learn much about slavery but Michael Gambon was on top form," says teenage wastrel


MARTIN CLUNES PAID
THOUSANDS TO REMIND
PEOPLE HOW GOOD
LEONARD ROSSITER WAS
"I didn't get where I am today by not wasting licence payers' money on pointless remakes," says BBC arse


SELF-ABSORBED WOMEN
CELEBRATE DIDO COMEBACK
"It's the soundtrack to my topsy-turvy life," says unbearable cow


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