I'm Not Even Trying Any More, Admits Darling
CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling last night admitted he is not even trying any more after pledging £15bn worth of 'efficiency savings'.
Mr Darling said Wednesday's Budget would contain a series of key announcements that he is probably just going to make-up in the car on the way to work.
A relaxed chancellor said the Budget is likely to focus on 'the public finances and stuff', but stressed he was 'not really the best person to ask about this'.
He told the Sunday Times: "I looked through the books a couple of weeks ago and within 10 minutes it become abundantly clear that things were – oh, how should I put this? – utterly fucking hopeless.
"I then decided the best course of action would be to open a packet of Hobnobs and watch my Dukes of Hazard DVDs."
He added: "I did think about cutting loads of those stupid public sector jobs we invented, but then Gordon would just tell everyone I had genital warts and that my missus is round the bend."
Asked what he would do to cut Britain's £160bn budget deficit, Mr Darling shrugged and said: "I dunno, disband the army? Or maybe we could make things… out of wicker.
"No, wait, wait, I've got a really good one. Are you ready? Drum roll, brrrrrrr… Whitehall efficiency savings! No? Fair enough."
Julian Cook, chief economist at Porter Pinkney and Turner, said: "Even if the chancellor cared, and he doesn't, and even if the government did implement efficiency savings, which it won't, £15bn would have about as much impact as a toddler slapping a whale."