National Curriculum To Include Abject Terror
PUPILS across the UK are to have the absolute screaming bejesus scared out of them on a weekly basis, under changes to the national curriculum.
The department for children and schools and the teaching unions have agreed a new programme designed to leave an entire generation of children mentally scarred for life.
Teacher Martin Bishop, from Doncaster, said: "I've already rigged up a convincing mutilated corpse in the stationery cupboard and just wait until 3C get a visit from Rapey Roger, the Satanic Clown."
He added: "For years we've tried varying forms of cognitive therapy, positive reinforcement and reward schemes for good behaviour but finally we've been given the green light to really fuck with their minds."
The new programme was approved after a successful pilot scheme in Evesham where teachers staged a horrifyingly authentic fake shooting to teach pupils that being gunned down in a gangland turf war will probably hurt.
Headmaster, Norman Steele, said: "A small number of pupils currently have the kind of thousand-yard-stare you used to see in Vietnam veterans and secure mental hospitals, but most of them had stopped screaming by home time. In our defence, it was very funny."
Kyle Stephenson, a 14 year-old bastard from Carlisle, said: "It's been a busy year for me, what with shoving the school lizard up the school hamster and getting Miss Hollis locked up for touching my balls.
"But I've just noticed that Mr Hayes has been stood outside my house for the last three hours setting fire to things and laughing really loudly.
"In some indefinable way, I have a feeling things are going to be very different from now on."