Mourinho visit causes psychic disturbance across English football

01-03-12

REAL Madrid manager Jose Mourinho has flown to England, unsettling every manager, player and chairman in the Premier League with a day of house-hunting and mysterious omens.

Roberto Mancini spent much of the day sacrificing chickens

Mourinho spent a whirlwind day looking at homes near White Hart Lane, Old Trafford, the Emirates Stadium, St James’s Park, the Etihad Stadium, Anfield and Stamford Bridge. It has been claimed he was in all seven places simultaneously.

The Mourinho sightings caused panic among managers, with Kenny Dalglish spending much of the day up a tree while Arsene Wenger changed his Facebook status from ‘haunted’ to ‘all is death’.

Even Sir Alex Ferguson locked himself in his car and is refusing to come out until a Glazer tells him he is better than Matt Busby and means it.

Mourinho departed the UK after less than 24 hours, but psychic echoes of his visit have lingered. Gary Neville delivered an unusually astute technical analysis of last night’s England game, but did it in fluent Portuguese while his eyes were rolled backwards in their sockets.

Meanwhile an image of Mourinho’s face appeared inside the face of Jeff Stelling and a two-headed collie was born in Kensington which croaked his name before dying. Doctors said more than 40 women have become pregnant just by thinking about Chelsea’s 2006 title win shortly after unprotected intercourse.

Chelsea caretaker-manager André Villas-Boas last night ordered the removal of all the mirrors from his home, adding: “He appears suddenly behind me, his glowing blue eyes telling me to switch Torres to the left wing.”

And even Christine Bleakley’s fiancé has claimed his former manager had spoken to him in a dream.

Soon-to-be Mrs Frank Bleakley said: “He told me that I shouldn’t have been dropped. That I was still capable of playing at the top level. He told me… he told me that he can make me young again.”

 

 

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