Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Well, that’s Valentine’s out of the way. Now all you have to do is get no Easter eggs and there’s nothing to remind you of how desperately lonely you are until Christmas.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
On Friday you call the fire brigade because there’s a cat stuck up a tree, and when they say it’s not a genuine emergency you helpfully set fire to the tree then call them back.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
It’s a good week for you romantically, as you begin a new relationship with fantastic sex, and a bad week financially as your husband finds out and closes the joint account.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
On Thursday you reset your iPhone calendar to 1/1/1970 and accidentally end up with big bushy sideburns and medium-level racism.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Kanye West is also a Gemini, and boy have you guys been having an up-and-down couple of weeks. Maybe tweet less?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s so cold over the weekend that you don’t move from under your duvet, which makes the visit to IKEA interesting.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
While you’d consider yourself more a dog person than a cat person, either will do if you’re hungry enough.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Hey, babe, are you this format of joke? Because everyone has had a go at you and I’m utterly sick of the sight of you.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A big gravitational wave passing through your sign today makes you feel slow, bloated and stuck to the settee. Basically it’s PMS on a cosmic scale.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Just discreetly mention your star sign when boarding any British Airways flight to be instantly upgraded to first class. If it doesn’t work the first time, mention it louder.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You love Moroccan street food, arthouse cinema and big boobs, although not in that order.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Elvis, J Edgar Hoover and Al Capone were all Capricorns, and they were all pretty similar characters so this horoscope business is definitely worth paying attention to.