Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Make it easier to scroll through a friend’s holiday photos this week by imagining you’re a detective piecing together their last moments before they died.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Having registered to vote, you’ll spend the week feeling like Napoleon deciding the fate of Europe rather than somebody who has a bit of an issue about Polish people.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
As a water sign, I don’t suppose you could do anything to stop it pissing down all the time, could you?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Energise your aura on Thursday by rubbing up against somebody on the bus. It’s like static electricity on a balloon. Trust me.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You need to stand firm against a work colleague on Monday who insists that jabbing at their eye with a pencil is an unreasonable response to the way they breathe.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Remember that yours is the most sensual sign of the zodiac and if your neighbours can’t handle you stood in your back garden rubbing margarine into your torso while whimpering, that’s their problem.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Trouble on Friday, when you visit a Pizza Express and discover too late it’s the non-stop overnight express to Inverness. And it won’t have any pizza until Perth.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
A potential career as a psychic is snuffed out this weekend after you discover no, you can’t read minds, it’s just everyone in your life is so fucking predictable it seemed you could.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ll find yourself consistently making the wrong choices at work this week, which causes real problems because you’re a Roman emperor judging gladiatorial combat in the year 59 AD.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
When you make a piece of toast with what looks like Jesus burned into it, everyone wants a look. When it’s a picture of your ex-wife, even she won’t pop round.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
A car that transforms into a boat? Incredible idea, but since you’re at the seaside anyway it’s worth pushing a few dozen in to see if it’s already been invented.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
A pet rabbit is no substitute for a real relationship. No, not even one of those really big rabbits.