ALL Labour’s discussions are about who to tax and who to give benefits to, according to Pat McFadden. But who would you tax and for whom? Find out.

ARE you keen to spend hundreds of thousands on items the person sharing a home with you can plausibly claim not to have noticed? Waste it like Murrell.

THE ghoulish spectre of Tony Blair reappeared this week to share his thoughts on current events. Here are five people you’d sooner hear from.

HELLO, I’m former first minister and future Through The Keyhole host Nicola Sturgeon, who is oblivious to 90 per cent of my lived environment and you can be too.

TUITION fees and high-interest student loans have returned Britain’s universities to the domain of the wealthy and stupid, as they were intended to be.

YOUNG people are unable to get jobs, locked out of education and suffering poor mental health. But if we really try, can we find a way for it to be their fault?

UKRAINE, Gaza, Iran, Sudan, melting glaciers. But, through it all, you’ve remained in a nice house in Sussex eating crisps in your joggers. Here’s how to cope.

AS the mercury shoots up to record temperatures, trains have decided to set their heating to maximum.

AS a seagull, my existence is inherently political. Consequently I have developed a radical consciousness that speaks truth to power and that is why I shat on the King.

A FUSTY old geezer seems to be under the mistaken impression that you and he are in some way contemporaries.

THE parents of a teenager who opines on Bertolt Brecht and Brutalist buildings wish he would drink cider and vomit at bus stops like his peers.

PLANNING to buy cool stuff in a fit of enthusiasm for the hot weather? Definitely purchase these items too expensive to get rid of when the weather turns shit again in a few days’ time.

THE sun is shining, out-of-office is on, it’s a perfect time to read a good book but you don’t want to. Use one of these excuses to squint at your phone instead.

THE year’s first heatwave is here, and with it the chance to perform indoor activities in full view of your neighbours. What will you be ashamed of doing tomorrow?

AN old and decrepit man is under the mistaken impression that you and he are contemporaries.

A 45-YEAR-OLD who exclusively dates women in their 20s while claiming they are ‘emotionally mature’ does not seem to have any male friends of that age.

THAT sickly, ingratiating grin isn’t for everyone. It isn’t for you. It seems to specifically be for women employed to serve him, like these.

A MAN who wanted to avoid the awkwardness of turning a woman down after their first date achieved the same result by having sex with her instead.

A MAN has nodded through a 60-minute monologue from his girlfriend on how they need to sit down and have a proper talk about their relationship.

WANT to terminate a relationship abruptly? Say any of the following and you’ll never see him again.

A MAN and woman about to get into a serious relationship have made the mutual decision to stop ghosting other people.

POPULAR T-shirt manufacturer Nasa is racing China to land a manned flight on the lunar surface. What do they expect to find there?

ONCE it was the next big thing, now you can’t even Freecycle it. Were you one of the visionaries who bought a piece of the future that turned out to be a dusty piece of crap?

CAMERON, Ezra, Hector? 22 reasons why you’re emotionally dead and need therapy, Mark. Become size eight. A woman’s Notes app offers regrettable insights.

IS this a spam email, or is it a genuine offer from Elon Musk to send you frozen sperm to birth yet more of his legion of children? You decide!

A MAN cannot help but admit that a clickbait headline has done an incredible job of piquing his fickle interest.

HEADPHONES in the office? But real, good music too distracting? These meticulous peddlers of dullness have created oeuvres with your eight-hour shift in mind.

MARRIED At First Sight has shocked viewers by horribly and openly exploiting participants. Which reality show are you convincing yourself it’s okay to watch instead?

HORROR movie The Backrooms is being praised by critics for its clever liminal concept, but will audiences agree? Here are more terrifying ideas that don’t stand up to much scrutiny.

SHERLOCK Holmes is always inspiring new stories, so who better to solve the mystery of Katie Price’s missing husband Lee? Or will this impenetrable case stump even the famous sleuth?

SERIOUS allegations are hanging over Channel 4’s Married at First Sight, but it’s not the first reality show to see nothing wrong with engineering appalling situations. Like these:

JOSH Widdicombe’s casting as the new Strictly Come Dancing host? Just the latest BBC box-ticking exercise. Specifically these.

DUA Lipa is off the market. But do not let that deter you, an overweight man in Reading, from your quest to land a hot, high-earning pop princess. All these are still available.

TOM Hardy has been dismissed from hit drama MobLand, which is on a channel you do not watch and have never heard of. But why? We make up the reasons.

KEIR Starmer is so right to face down his massive unpopularity, as proved by these examples of people who bounced back from being hated to become the nation’s darlings.

A SWINDON woman is unsurprised that Vernon Kay and Tess Daly have separated, because 16 years ago he sent numerous explicit texts to a Page 3 stunner.

THE 12-year-old heir to the throne is moving to big school, but which educational establishment should we pay the fees for him to attend?

THE animal kingdom have clubbed together to get Sir David Attenborough a birthday greeting performed by a stripper, they have revealed. 

AN office arsehole has greeted the end of the May heatwave by saying ‘Hope you enjoyed summer,’ and the worst of it is that he may well be correct.

IT’S only a matter of hours until office chat turns to what people are doing at the weekend. But probably keep these plans to yourself.

ALL homeworkers are completing their allotted tasks and attending meetings entirely naked, they have confirmed.

YOUR middle-aged co-worker who confidently opines on any subject he does not understand has begun stating everything is ‘probably AI’.

THE grovelling sentences a man comes out with when writing a covering letter disgust him to his core, it has emerged.

A 32-YEAR-OLD man has been forced to confront the fact that, as well as a mortgage and back pain triggered by sleeping the wrong way, he also has a crush.

NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.

A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.