JACOB Rees-Mogg is to adopt Fall frontman Mark E Smith after mistaking him for a Manchester street urchin, it has emerged.
As he left the Tory conference in his limousine, Rees-Mogg saw the post-punk icon staggering past and assumed he was a malnourished slum child dizzy from hunger.
Rees-Mogg said: “The poor mite was in such a wretched state that I instructed my driver to take him home in the Bentley, so that Nanny could give him a slice of blood sausage and a good scrub with some carbolic soap.
“His parents probably died in a mill accident or of rickets, thus it falls to me to raise him as my own. Henceforth, young Marcus will want for nothing and starts at Eton next term.
“He’s a strange child, always singing shouty little ‘songs’ he makes up himself, or stealing cooking sherry from the pantry.
“Marcus says he’s writing a popular music LP with the peculiar title Liminal Barcode Atrocity. It’s charming but I think we’ll get him started on the French horn instead.”
Smith said: “I’ll smash my way out of here if I have to, but not today because I’d rather hoped pater and I might take cream tea together.”