Shops a f**king nightmare already

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THE UK’s shops are already a complete f**king nightmare and retailers have confirmed they will remain that way until Christmas.

The announcement covers all shops, from supermarkets to department stores, and is in place from today until at least January 4th, inclusive of evenings and weekends.

A spokesman for the British Retail Consortium said: “The switch has been tripped. The signal has been given. Welcome to hell.

“From now on every shopping mall will have queues at the escalators, every out-of-town retail park will be gridlocked, every city centre immobilised by Christmas markets.

“In the supermarket you’ll battle past middle-class families with three-trolley convoys and colour-coded lists shouting ‘Butter! Check!’ at each other just to buy a small, squashed loaf.

“In New Look red-faced women will scream ‘I am a size frigging fourteen!’ at blank-faced teenagers, in Toys-R-Us parents will quietly realise their online voucher has actually cost them money, and even at Londis there will be a silent line for booze.”

Shopper Susan Traherne said: “Apparently there’s this thing called ‘the internet’ where you can buy everything, but I prefer the more human experience of elbowing rival consumers in the face.”