Sunak waits to see if Britain is that stupid
THE prime minister is eagerly awaiting opinion polls that will reveal whether Britain really is as cretinous as he hopes.
A MAN is dismayed after identifying a European MILF mislabelled as British when he noticed the two-pin plug sockets above the kitchen counter she was lying on.
THE prime minister, drunk on power, has proudly declared that nothing except several very real hurdles now stand in the way of the Rwanda bill.
PEOPLE suddenly finding the ‘love of their life’ when they are 35, exhausted and realise they cannot afford to buy a house may not just be a big coincidence, experts have confirmed.
MODERN Londoners understand, in theory, there are cities outside London. Some intrepid explorers even visit them and return with wild tales of affordable housing and pints.
COUNSELLORS have advised couples suffering issues in their relationships that if they ignore them completely they eventually go away.
A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.
A BARMAN at a London club has just found out the five pissed women he watched howl their way through a song was in fact a momentous 90s reunion.
FILMS have surpassed books as a medium by so many orders of magnitude it is odd that books even exist, it has been agreed.
BACK when nu-metal ruled the world you ruled with it, young and rebellious and your baseball cap backwards. Now you’re a dad and these bands are boring old dadrock.
Politics
THE opposition has defied the government’s smoking ban by pledging to give every child a pack of 20 cigarettes on their 15th birthday.
49-DAY prime minister Liz Truss has released a new book detailing her plan to save the world. Britain has notes.
CONSERVATIVE MP William Wragg has told people judging him for sending nudes to a foreign agent they have undoubtedly done the same or worse themselves.
COULD a cleverly chosen date for the election swing it for Rishi Sunak? It’s unlikely he’s got any other brilliant strategies, so here are some days he should keep in mind.
SCOTTISH police have confirmed they will look like big fascist knobs if they arrest JK Rowling and limp little willys if they do not.
Society
YOUR child has been condemned to educational subnormality and a career washing wheelie bins by being denied their first-choice primary. How should you freak out?
ATTEMPTING to convince yourself physical decline, burdensome responsibilities and heightened stress are a good thing? Here’s why you’re so glad to be in your thirties.
POST Office bosses knew Horizon was crap all along and that it was screwing over innocent postmasters. We asked you how justice should be served to these bastards.
A BULGARIAN criminal gang has stolen a record £53.9 million with fake Universal Credit claims over four years. So how unfeasibly angry does it make you, and should you call an ambulance?
A COUNCIL has granted a local pothole listed status in order to preserve it for future generations to enjoy, it has emerged.
Lifestyle
A MAN who is only able to grow a few wisps of hair from the bottom of his face is not letting it stop him labelling himself as ‘bearded’, it has emerged.
A WOMAN working in an independent record shop is feeling pressured to be extremely attractive in a quirky and unconventional way, she has confirmed.
DOES the minutiae of people’s personal lives somehow fail to grip you? It might be because you’re a man. Here Martin Bishop explains how to be useless at spreading tittle-tattle.
A COUPLE are having a second child because they are already bored rigid of having to play with their first one, they have confirmed.
AFTER a chaotic Bank Holiday weekend, Euston was at a standstill again yesterday. But Network Rail keeps urging us to have family days out by train, so here are some great places you won’t get to.
Sport
GARETH Southgate, the most successful England manager since Alf Ramsey, is a miserable failure who lost his country two Euros and a World Cup. Time for him to go?
MANCHESTER United’s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world-class team, it has emerged.
A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.
FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?
Science & Technology
WHATSAPP loves shit-stirring by telling you a friend has deleted a message. Here’s a reasonable guess at what they said.
BUCKINGHAM Palace has admitted that no such person as ‘Kate Middleton’ ever existed outside of digital imaging software.
SIGNING off an email is a minefield in which you’re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot. Here are some of the twattiest sign-offs to avoid.
A HEART-WARMING montage of recent images created by a father’s phone consists almost entirely of pictures of meter readings and Wi-Fi router codes.
SEX, like justice, must not only be done but be seen to be done. But when signalling to friends, family and work colleagues from 2008 that you’ve recently done it be subtle.
Arts & Entertainment
NICOLA Peltz, heiress and wife of Brooklyn Beckham, has had her vanity project film utterly demolished by critics. So if you were the partner of a no-talent celeb, how would you avoid the issue?
THERE is not a cat in hell’s chance that the death of OJ Simpson won’t result in a rubbish TV drama. And if recent efforts like Netflix’s Scoop are anything to go by, this is what it will be like.
A NEW production of Romeo and Juliet featuring a black actress as Juliet has attracted racist abuse. Here bigot Roy Hobbs explains why the Bard wasn’t woke.
JOKER really spoke to young men like me. My generation faces economic uncertainty, the end of traditional gender roles, and the possibility of having to hollow out a melon to have something a bit like sex.
THE makers of Scrabble have launched a new version which is ‘less competitive’ for Generation Z. This sounds like bollocks, so what can fans of the tiresome board game expect?
Business
THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.
THAMES Water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into, analysts have advised.
‘BECAUSE we value our customers, we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised,’ say businesses, and the f**kers get away with it.
Work
TO stand out in the job market, why not impress on employers that you’re a first-class prick with your job title alone? Any of these should do it.
OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.
WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.
WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.
AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.
THE only honest profile on LinkedIn has shared that he hates his job, boss and life and could not give a free-form f**k about his employer’s strategic vision.
Alcohol
DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions.
INCOME, age, race and class have proved no obstacle to any British citizen’s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to.
A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.
A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking.
A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it.
WEEKEND hangovers are bad enough, but they’ve got nothing on ones during the working week. Here’s why you’ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night.
