We’ve reached the ‘hardly having sex’ stage of our relationship and we’re both incredibly relieved!

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By Eleanor Shaw

HAVING sex is just an undignified way to knacker yourself out after you’ve been together a while. We’d rather watch telly and have a laugh.

Advice columns are always stuffed with letters from couples desperate for ways to spice up their ailing sex life, but why bother? If you don’t feel like having sex, attempting to introduce some ‘light bondage’ at this late stage is only going to make things even more awkward.

Before we slipped into our current blissfully copulation-free state we tried acting out a kinky teacher/pupil role-play scenario and that hideously embarrassing experience pushed us closer to divorce than not having sex ever could.

And is sex even that great? Rubbing genitals just seems like something that should be left to dogs, especially when, as humans, we have invented much better ways of enjoying ourselves, like going on rollercoasters or taking MDMA.

If you want to get all anxious about the fact that you aren’t having nine hour tantric sexathons, or are secretly freaked out that your partner has read Fifty Shades of Grey so many times that the pages are falling out, I feel sorry for you.

We’ll be watching The Walking Dead with a plate of Jammie Dodgers. And it will be incredibly satisfying for both of us.