I'VE never had much time for the Arabs. Wasting their time racing camels, living in tents in terrorist training camps in the desert and dicking around with magic lamps.
CERTAIN things are the height of cool when you’re in your teens and 20s. But once you hit 30, they quickly become deeply, deeply tragic. Including these.
EVERYONE loves Conservative MPs and their propensity to stumble into hilarious sex outrages. Gather the family around and match the backbencher to their scandal!
A HOLLYWOOD producer has claimed Sydney Sweeney is ‘not pretty and can’t act’. This is obviously a disgusting lie, so here’s how to react like a besotted male.
OUTSIDE the newsagent in the year 2044 lurk two men in their early thirties. They hold up a £40 note and ask you to get them a packet of Silk Cut. Will you?
A WOMAN mistakenly believes that she could make a fortune on OnlyFans if she were to compromise her morals enough to sign up.
RANDY intellectual types are on the lookout for a new muse now Rachel Riley has disgraced herself. These are the top candidates in the line of succession.
A MAN who is only able to grow a few wisps of hair from the bottom of his face is not letting it stop him labelling himself as ‘bearded’, it has emerged.
Politics
CONSERVATIVE MP William Wragg has told people judging him for sending nudes to a foreign agent they have undoubtedly done the same or worse themselves.
COULD a cleverly chosen date for the election swing it for Rishi Sunak? It’s unlikely he’s got any other brilliant strategies, so here are some days he should keep in mind.
SCOTTISH police have confirmed they will look like big fascist knobs if they arrest JK Rowling and limp little willys if they do not.
THE prime minister has been accused of chickening out of calling a general election by Labour. When should he go to the country and lose?
Society
A BULGARIAN criminal gang has stolen a record £53.9 million with fake Universal Credit claims over four years. So how unfeasibly angry does it make you, and should you call an ambulance?
A COUNCIL has granted a local pothole listed status in order to preserve it for future generations to enjoy, it has emerged.
LANCASHIRE is still attempting to convince people it has the same cultural clout as its geographical neighbour and bitter rival, it has emerged.
SCOTS holding grudges are rushing to make hate crime complaints under new laws. Who are you reporting to the authorities?
BADGERS remain utterly incapable of crossing roads while avoiding oncoming traffic, anyone who drove through a rural area over the weekend has confirmed.
ATHEISTS who reject religious doctrine have admitted nothing in their precious science can provide an explanation for the existence of the Easter Bunny.
Lifestyle
DOES the minutiae of people’s personal lives somehow fail to grip you? It might be because you’re a man. Here Martin Bishop explains how to be useless at spreading tittle-tattle.
A COUPLE are having a second child because they are already bored rigid of having to play with their first one, they have confirmed.
AFTER a chaotic Bank Holiday weekend, Euston was at a standstill again yesterday. But Network Rail keeps urging us to have family days out by train, so here are some great places you won’t get to.
NATURALIST, naturist and national treasure Sir David Attenborough has turned his analytical eye to the brutal and feral rituals of the hen party.
ARE you a grump for suspecting your message will be ignored as you press ‘send’? No, because you’re contacting one of these feckless bastards.
Sport
GARETH Southgate, the most successful England manager since Alf Ramsey, is a miserable failure who lost his country two Euros and a World Cup. Time for him to go?
MANCHESTER United’s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world-class team, it has emerged.
A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.
FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?
Science & Technology
WHATSAPP loves shit-stirring by telling you a friend has deleted a message. Here’s a reasonable guess at what they said.
BUCKINGHAM Palace has admitted that no such person as ‘Kate Middleton’ ever existed outside of digital imaging software.
SIGNING off an email is a minefield in which you’re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot. Here are some of the twattiest sign-offs to avoid.
A HEART-WARMING montage of recent images created by a father’s phone consists almost entirely of pictures of meter readings and Wi-Fi router codes.
SEX, like justice, must not only be done but be seen to be done. But when signalling to friends, family and work colleagues from 2008 that you’ve recently done it be subtle.
Arts & Entertainment
THERE is not a cat in hell’s chance that the death of OJ Simpson won’t result in a rubbish TV drama. And if recent efforts like Netflix’s Scoop are anything to go by, this is what it will be like.
A NEW production of Romeo and Juliet featuring a black actress as Juliet has attracted racist abuse. Here bigot Roy Hobbs explains why the Bard wasn’t woke.
JOKER really spoke to young men like me. My generation faces economic uncertainty, the end of traditional gender roles, and the possibility of having to hollow out a melon to have something a bit like sex.
THE makers of Scrabble have launched a new version which is ‘less competitive’ for Generation Z. This sounds like bollocks, so what can fans of the tiresome board game expect?
A SEMI-MYTHICAL group of troglodyte ravers has been discovered by workmen at Manchester’s legendary Hacienda.
YESTERDAY Amanda Holden got naked on Heart FM, proving you can have too much of a good thing. And if these celebs want to try wearing clothes for a change, we’re cool with that.
Business
THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.
THAMES Water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into, analysts have advised.
‘BECAUSE we value our customers, we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised,’ say businesses, and the f**kers get away with it.
Work
OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.
WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.
WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.
AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.
THE only honest profile on LinkedIn has shared that he hates his job, boss and life and could not give a free-form f**k about his employer’s strategic vision.
HOPING to finish work bang on time for once? No chance. One of these twists of fate is about to royally screw you over.
Alcohol
DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions.
INCOME, age, race and class have proved no obstacle to any British citizen’s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to.
A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.
A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking.
A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it.
WEEKEND hangovers are bad enough, but they’ve got nothing on ones during the working week. Here’s why you’ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night.
