GOVERNMENT guidelines on Christmas health and safety are every bit as obvious as they need to be, it has been confirmed.
As the emergency services braced themselves for three days of utter chaos, experts said the government had done everything it possibly could short of strapping everyone to a chair and feeding them pulped turkey through a tube.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “You will notice page five of your newspaper carries an angry article entitled ‘why does the government have to treat us like Christmas morons?’.
“But if you then turn over to page six you will see a story about a man from Dorset who called the fire brigade after shoving at least 18 inches of Norwegian Spruce up his rear hole.
“Page seven is devoted to the Yorkshire family who celebrate Boxing Day by piling all the empty boxes in the middle of the living room before setting fire to them.
“And we then turn over to a double-page spread featuring an interview with the man who lived through the Great Hemel Hempstead Vomit of 1983.”
A department of health spokesman said: “Instead of a real Christmas tree this year why not go for a small, laminated photograph of a Christmas tree? Leave it floating in a bucket of water in case you’re tempted to set fire to it.
“And if you’re worried about food poisoning from an undercooked turkey, just eat a load of crisps instead. But not the sharp ones. Go for a soft, round crisp like a Wotsit or a Quaver.
“And don’t forget to keep a bucket of water nearby in case you’re tempted to set fire to them.”