THOUSANDS of schools across Britain are to be replaced with an iPhone app costing just 99p.
As part of a programme to restrict all government services to people who own a mobile phone made by Apple, state schools will be burned to the ground and their services provided via the iTunes store.
Education secretary Michael Gove said: “Choice in education must, logically, include the choice not to be educated. If it doesn’t then we will be guilty of denying our children the choice not to choose choice.
“By transferring their school’s functions to the iTunes store, children can then choose whether they want to spend 99p on a geography lesson, or the one that makes your face look fat.”
He added: “What possible difference could it make?”
Mr Gove said the spaces previously occupied by large, unwieldy schools could be used to build Disney Stores where children who downloaded the learning app will get jobs selling 3D versions of Pixar films to people whose parents had the guts to pay for a private education.
Labour gave a cautious welcome to the plans but called for a safety net for poor children who have not yet been able to steal an iPhone.
Shadow education secretary Ed Balls said: “Maybe we could print the names of capital cities and some basic maths problems on the back of a packet of 10 Silk Cut.
“Then at least they might mention that Quito is the capital of Ecuador while they’re blowing their unsheathed muck up their 15 year-old girlfriend’s younger sister. And thus the knowledge is transferred.”
Meanwhile experts have defended the government’s move towards iPhone user-only public services.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “iPhone users have the most muscular sperm and the curviest and most luscious eggs.
“We must keep them safe by developing apps which tell them where to find the British consulate in Gdansk and how to apply for a new tax disc.”
He added: “As long as we do not allow ourselves to be distracted by sentimentality, then the last person not descended from an iPhone user should die sometime in 2094.”