MALE employees are being retrained to see breasts as malevolent orbs of terror.
Experts believe women are deterred from breastfeeding at work due to leering, undersexed male colleagues who cannot believe they are finally within 20ft of an exposed bosom.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s a variety of things – the unblinking eyes, the wry smiles, the endless questions about what the milk tastes like and whether they ever let their husbands have a go.
“We believe that thousands of women would be more comfortable if men are retrained to associate breasts with an angry headmaster, a good kicking or a highly sodomised prison sentence.
“Within a few months the terrors will fade and breastfeeding at work will seem as incidental as making tea, but substituting a cup and kettle for a child’s mouth and a fleshy milk bag.”
Recently retrained Stephen Malley, an IT Manager for an insurance firm in Peterborough, said: “I have some legitimate concerns about having warm liquids near computers, but I’ve knocked up this pictorial warning label which shows breast milk being sprayed over a keyboard and then someone from IT getting a powerful electric shock.”
Nathan Muir, a customer-facing unit from Finsbury Park, added: “Last week Caroline in accounts had a twin hanging off each nork.
“Before the training I would have hired a light aircraft with a banner attached to it and then made up some excuse to go to the photocopier so I could wangle a shufti at her teets.
“But now I just feel slightly insecure and a bit scared of nature.”