Six knobheads that will never reply to your message

ARE you a grump for suspecting your message will be ignored as you press ‘send’? No, because you’re contacting one of these feckless bastards.

King lays groundwork for scabbing a tenner

THE King’s call for kindness is a pretext for asking everyone to lend him ten pounds, it has emerged.

Thames Water also full of shit

THAMES Water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into, analysts have advised.

John Lennon, and other celebrities who would be nightmare boomers if they were alive today
CAN you imagine the famously gobby John Lennon if he had been let loose on Twitter? Here are more dead celebs who would have trashed their legacy by now if they were still with us.
'Suck it till your hymen pops': Subtle clues that P Diddy had unsavoury views toward women

SEAN ‘Diddy’ Combs is facing serious accusations including holding 'sex-trafficking parties'. But was there already reason to suspect he might not be a staunch defender of women?

We ask you: how are you celebrating raw sewage spills doubling in a year?

BRITAIN’S water companies have spilled record amounts of raw sewage into our rivers and seas, proving the doubters wrong. How are you thanking them?

​​Man unsure if he had nice evening or was just drunk

A MAN is unsure whether he had a great time last night or if he was just pissed, it has emerged.

Man shocked to learn his friends are having kids on purpose

A MAN is stunned to discover that his friends are at an age where they are actively having children on purpose, it has emerged.

Bookshelf now source of more guilt than pleasure

BRITONS have admitted that their shelves are stuffed full of books they have bought but will not read because watching telly is easier.

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Politics

In a minute, WASPI ladies, I'm annoyed at a football kit, says Starmer

KEIR Starmer has told WASPI campaigners to bear with him because he is currently annoyed about a little flag.

Why Owen Jones is leaving Labour, by someone unfortunate enough to sit next to him on a train

YEAH, that Owen Jones? Writes for the Guardian? He’s leaving Labour, I know because I was on a table seat with him, Stockport to London. Never f**king shut up.

Obama pops into Downing Street to return Breaking Bad DVDs

FORMER US president Barack Obama swung by Number 10 yesterday to drop off the Breaking Bad DVDs he borrowed during his time in office.

Let's finish with a sexy prime minister, say Tories

RIGHT-WING Conservative MPs are secretly plotting to make Penny Mordaunt leader so the party can go out on a sexy high, it has emerged.

Six ways in which the Tories qualify as extremists, under their own laws

MICHAEL Gove, better known as The Government, has redefined extremism so he can ban any political group he dislikes, including the Tories, on the following grounds:

Papa John's, and other chains with too much American bollocks for Britain
PIZZA chain Papa John’s is closing a tenth of its outlets in the UK, and the twee American name must surely have something to do with it. Here are some more with too much colonial nonsense.

Society

We ask you: Generation Z are less happy than their elders. Is it their own fault?

A NEW survey shows Generation Z in the US and Europe are significantly less happy than older generations. How can we cheer them up?

Parents of aspirational son delighted to be yardstick he measures success against

AN upwardly-mobile man’s parents just love providing a contrast between his humble origins and what he has achieved in life.

The Wurzels, You Bet! on the telly or paparazzi upskirters: Which Britain do you want back?

MALCONTENTS often say they want their country back, but the question is: which one? There are plenty of Britains to choose from, if you don’t get bogged down in inconvenient reality.

No seriously, what the f**k’s going on with Kate? asks Britain

A NOW quite worried Britain has requested everyone stop pissing about and explain what actually has happened to the Princess of Wales.

Benefits fine when middle-class parents get them

FINANCIAL handouts are entirely acceptable when middle-class parents earning up to £60,000 receive them, it has emerged.

Colin Firth in a wet shirt: Seven wanks that have been approved by society

COLIN Firth’s shirt from Pride and Prejudice has been auctioned for £25,000, which is a lot for a very predictable wank fantasy. Here are some more that are tediously socially acceptable.

Lifestyle

How to recover from a devastatingly accurate insult from a seven-year-old

CHILDREN say the cruelest, funniest things, directly to you in front of a roomful of people, like ‘Where’s your hair gone, uncle Simon?’ Here’s how to laugh it off.

Friend can remember your grebo phase

YOUR friend remembers that you used to have long greasy hair and listened to Ned’s Atomic Dustbin and has the photos to prove it.

British son f**ked again by US Mother’s Day mix-up

A BRITISH man has once again been f**ked over by Google’s assertion that Mother’s Day falls in May.

Five reasons hotel room wanks are better than regular wanks

WANKING is the best human experience possible, but did you know it feels even better in a hotel room? Here's why.

Six foolproof ways to be a twat in a taxi

WANT to really get on a taxi driver’s tits during the short journey from the pub to your house? Try these techniques:

Sport

People who don't follow football still under impression Man United are amazing 

MANCHESTER United’s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world-class team, it has emerged.

Newborn in Liverpool shirt fake fan and glory hunter

A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.

We ask you: how will football's new blue cards unfairly punish your club?

FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?

Hard-Fi, and other bands that failed to make being working class look good
FOR every act that conveyed their modest backgrounds with aplomb, some bands fetishised them to the point of embarrassment. Like these.

Science & Technology

There never was a 'Kate', Palace admits

BUCKINGHAM Palace has admitted that no such person as ‘Kate Middleton’ ever existed outside of digital imaging software.

A single initial, and other twatty ways to sign off an email

SIGNING off an email is a minefield in which you’re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot. Here are some of the twattiest sign-offs to avoid.

Dad's photo memories just pictures of meter readings and wifi passwords

A HEART-WARMING montage of recent images created by a father’s phone consists almost entirely of pictures of meter readings and Wi-Fi router codes.

Six ways to imply that you just got laid on social media

SEX, like justice, must not only be done but be seen to be done. But when signalling to friends, family and work colleagues from 2008 that you’ve recently done it be subtle.

Still nothing here, reports US moon lander

THE first US craft to land on the moon for 50 years has reported that it is still a big dusty rock of little interest to anyone.

Clock ticking on when shiny new laptop will be used to look at absolute filth

IT is only a matter of hours until a man’s gleaming new laptop will be used to view the most degrading pornography imaginable, he has admitted.

Quick war with China to clinch election, decides government
THE government has decided to engage in a quick war with China to gain public support ahead of the election, it has emerged.

Arts & Entertainment

Gen Z teen confused by strong male character

A MALE teenager has been left confused by a film in which a man faces challenges like fist fights that are traditionally left to female characters.

Victoria Beckham's Out Of Your Mind, and other songs that don't deserve a Saltburn-style comeback

A RASH of 20-year-old tracks, such as Murder on the Dancefloor and Natasha Bedingfield’s Unwritten, are in the charts again. But which should remain firmly in the early 2000s?

Is this married father-of-two too gay to be the new James Bond? A Mail investigation

AARON Taylor-Johnson is hotly tipped to be the next James Bond. But has the talented hunk with industry connections got what it takes to be 007? The Daily Mail investigates.

In the Summertime, and other massive songs written quicker than your toilet break

THESE tracks were famously shat out in mere minutes, less time than you frequently spend in the bog. So feel more inadequate than usual on the toilet today.

Beckham family all sleep in the same bed like Charlie Bucket
THE extended Beckham family all sleep together head-to-toe in an enormous bed, it has been revealed.

Business

Rail replacement buses, and other pains in the arse it should be illegal to charge for

‘BECAUSE we value our customers, we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised,’ say businesses, and the f**kers get away with it.

'Dogs welcome' only refers to middle-class dogs, businesses clarify

BUSINESSES displaying ‘Dogs Welcome!’ signs have clarified that they only mean nice, well-behaved and well-groomed middle-class dogs whose owners spend money.

Pay up or the turds start coming out of the taps, say water companies

WATER companies have told customers they can either pay higher bills or start enjoying excrement coming out of their taps.

Michelle Mone's frozen assets – a guide

£75m of Baroness Mone’s assets have been frozen. These are just a few of them.

The Post Office, and other companies with bullshit slogans that need updating

EVERY big company in the UK has a wanky slogan, even the laughably useless privatised utilities and the downright evil Post Office. Here are some suggestions for updating them.

Let's forget about all those 'Vote Leave' signs in fields, eh? By a farmer
WE farmers are left with no choice but to protest at cheap, low-quality imports threatening our livelihoods. We’ve done absolutely nothing to deserve it, except that thing in 2016.

Work

Emergency plumber drunk on godlike power

AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.

I hate my life, says only honest person on LinkedIn

THE only honest profile on LinkedIn has shared that he hates his job, boss and life and could not give a free-form f**k about his employer’s strategic vision.

Six things that f**k over your chances of getting out of work on time

HOPING to finish work bang on time for once? No chance. One of these twists of fate is about to royally screw you over.

Man who just went on LinkedIn still feels dirty

A MAN who went on LinkedIn for five minutes is consumed with self-loathing after hitting ‘like’ on several posts of tedious self-promotional bullshit.

Six wankers who always pipe up when the meeting reaches Any Other Business

READY for this tedious, pointless meeting to end, so you can get the f**k out of there? Not so fast, these six arseholes will always have something to add.

What kind of infidelity is right for you? asks the Mash sex columnist
YOU’RE bored, you’re living a lie, and you’re interested in seeing what the young people are doing with their public hair these days. All valid reasons for having an affair.

Alcohol

Lads' pub chat dries up after all 90s footballers named

A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.

Pre-drinking effortlessly dovetails into proper drinking

A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking.

Night out with mates disappointingly good in the end

A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it.

Five reasons school night hangovers are worse than weekend hangovers

WEEKEND hangovers are bad enough, but they’ve got nothing on ones during the working week. Here’s why you’ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night.

Seven unpleasant truths you'll have to confront in Dry January

DRY January lasts just one month, but the things you learn while not drinking will stay with you forever. Prepare yourself for these grim truths about your existence.

Woman who drinks shitloads of wine surprisingly unknowledgeable about it

A WOMAN who has been drinking at least three bottles of wine a week for decades knows very little about it except that it comes in red, white and pink varieties.

Cool vegetarian still eats meat when pissed
A VEGETARIAN who keeps it real still eats kebabs and burgers after a few pints, he has confirmed.