Your friends: Are they worth the effort?

HAVING good friends is meant to be a key part of a happy and healthy life, but are they actually worth the effort? Here are some reasons to consider ditching them.

Katie Price's guide to safe and pleasant motoring

NOTHING compares to the sense of freedom you get from leaving magistrates’ court having narrowly avoided a driving ban or prison. As a keen driver, here's my advice for fellow touring enthusiasts.

This week in Mash History: Elizabeth I decides she's done with dating, 1568
THE final monarch of the Tudor dynasty, Queen Elizabeth I of England was known for her intelligence, diplomacy, and virginity. But the last was not entirely by choice.
Let's finish with a sexy prime minister, say Tories

RIGHT-WING Conservative MPs are secretly plotting to make Penny Mordaunt leader so the party can go out on a sexy high, it has emerged.

Princess of Wales seen by witnesses who are immediately killed

THE Princess of Wales has been sighted by two witnesses who were allowed to recount the encounter before being led away by Special Branch.

How to recover from a devastatingly accurate insult from a seven-year-old

CHILDREN say the cruelest, funniest things, directly to you in front of a roomful of people, like ‘Where’s your hair gone, uncle Simon?’ Here’s how to laugh it off.

Parents of aspirational son delighted to be yardstick he measures success against

AN upwardly-mobile man’s parents just love providing a contrast between his humble origins and what he has achieved in life.

Your astrological week ahead for March 16th, with Psychic Bob

Given the phrase ‘colder than a witch’s tit’ it’s odd witchfinders didn’t use that to identify their quarry. Perk of the job etcetera.

Meet cute ends in bumping uglies

A COUPLE’S adorable meet cute has led to them ramming their engorged genitals into one another within the same day.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Politics

Lee Anderson regretting defection to Reform after hearing Tory donor comments

MP Lee Anderson is regretting leaving the Conservative party after hearing comments by top donor Frank Hester, it has emerged.

'Slightly less shit than the pricks after her': A nation pays tribute to Theresa May

THE people of Britain have paid their respects to an ex-prime minister who was still utterly awful but marginally less crap than her successors.

Tories enter final phase of existence as they f**k over pensioners

THE Conservative Party has signalled it is entering the final stages of its 200-year existence by f**king over the last people in Britain who support it.

Why we should ban over-60s from social media, by the baroness who thought an octopus was Hitler

THE government recently argued that under-16s should be banned from social media, but it's old people like me who've been stupidly claiming an octopus mascot on University Challenge was antisemitic.

We ask you: has the closure of five miles of the M25 hit you hard?
FOR 57 whole hours an entire junction of the M25 has closed. Why must London always be the one that suffers?

Society

No seriously, what the f**k’s going on with Kate? asks Britain

A NOW quite worried Britain has requested everyone stop pissing about and explain what actually has happened to the Princess of Wales.

Benefits fine when middle-class parents get them

FINANCIAL handouts are entirely acceptable when middle-class parents earning up to £60,000 receive them, it has emerged.

Colin Firth in a wet shirt: Seven wanks that have been approved by society

COLIN Firth’s shirt from Pride and Prejudice has been auctioned for £25,000, which is a lot for a very predictable wank fantasy. Here are some more that are tediously socially acceptable.

Richard Littlejohn, and other twats who'll be f**ked without diversity courses

JEREMY Hunt has instructed cash-strapped councils to stop spending money on diversity training. But has he considered the effect on people who love criticising them, ie. these twats?

Lowest possible acceptable amount donated to friend's fundraiser

THE smallest possible socially acceptable sum of money has been donated to a friend’s fundraiser, it has emerged.  

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... going without a shit for three days to see f**king Coldplay
WAKING up in a puddle of very stale vomit, possibly mine, possibly Gloria Hunniford’s, I look back fondly on a several-month-long alcoholic ‘binge’.

Lifestyle

British son f**ked again by US Mother’s Day mix-up

A BRITISH man has once again been f**ked over by Google’s assertion that Mother’s Day falls in May.

Five reasons hotel room wanks are better than regular wanks

WANKING is the best human experience possible, but did you know it feels even better in a hotel room? Here's why.

Six foolproof ways to be a twat in a taxi

WANT to really get on a taxi driver’s tits during the short journey from the pub to your house? Try these techniques:

Six depraved student habits you can't take with you into normal life   

AT university, the bar for what constitutes as acceptable behaviour is basically subsurface. However, do any of these things as a proper adult and you will become a social leper.

Strong cup of tea is middle-aged woman's can of Monster

A MIDDLE-AGED woman who wants to feel energised to the point of anxiety can do so by drinking a strong cup of tea after midday, she has confirmed.

Friend can remember your grebo phase
YOUR friend remembers that you used to have long greasy hair and listened to Ned’s Atomic Dustbin and has the photos to prove it.

Sport

Newborn in Liverpool shirt fake fan and glory hunter

A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.

We ask you: how will football's new blue cards unfairly punish your club?

FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?

We ask you: what now for Liverpool after Jurgen Klopp?

CHARISMATIC Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp is leaving the club at the end of the season. What now for the club and the city?

Russian not sure if he'll even vote because 'they're all the bloody same'
A RUSSIAN man has admitted he does not see the point of voting in the presidential election because it never makes a difference anyway.

Science & Technology

There never was a 'Kate', Palace admits

BUCKINGHAM Palace has admitted that no such person as ‘Kate Middleton’ ever existed outside of digital imaging software.

A single initial, and other twatty ways to sign off an email

SIGNING off an email is a minefield in which you’re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot. Here are some of the twattiest sign-offs to avoid.

Dad's photo memories just pictures of meter readings and wifi passwords

A HEART-WARMING montage of recent images created by a father’s phone consists almost entirely of pictures of meter readings and Wi-Fi router codes.

Six ways to imply that you just got laid on social media

SEX, like justice, must not only be done but be seen to be done. But when signalling to friends, family and work colleagues from 2008 that you’ve recently done it be subtle.

Still nothing here, reports US moon lander

THE first US craft to land on the moon for 50 years has reported that it is still a big dusty rock of little interest to anyone.

Clock ticking on when shiny new laptop will be used to look at absolute filth

IT is only a matter of hours until a man’s gleaming new laptop will be used to view the most degrading pornography imaginable, he has admitted.

Is pegging the new Netflix? Your guide to not missing out
STREAMING has revolutionised the way we watch TV, and pegging promises to do the same for our sex lives. Here’s how to get started.

Arts & Entertainment

Dune, Breaking Bad, and other works that are basically racism against bald people

THE hair-deprived are often demonised in fiction just as they are in real life. Here are the works which unjustly paint the bald as irredeemable villains.

Geri Halliwell's Girl Power guide to your husband texting another woman

HI! Geri here! As the intellectual architect of Girl Power, my life philosophy has been guiding me through the challenging situation of my husband sending sleazy texts to a young colleague. Here’s how.

Horny women drag boyfriends to three-hour lore-heavy sci-fi sequel

LECHEROUS women have dragged their reluctant boyfriends and husbands to see an arse-numbing barely-comprehensible sci-fi epic with giant worms in.

Man who claims to love world cinema mainly likes kung fu and tits

A MAN who enjoys telling everyone that he has a passion for world cinema actually means he’s into gratuitous violence and nudity.

Business

Rail replacement buses, and other pains in the arse it should be illegal to charge for

‘BECAUSE we value our customers, we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised,’ say businesses, and the f**kers get away with it.

'Dogs welcome' only refers to middle-class dogs, businesses clarify

BUSINESSES displaying ‘Dogs Welcome!’ signs have clarified that they only mean nice, well-behaved and well-groomed middle-class dogs whose owners spend money.

Pay up or the turds start coming out of the taps, say water companies

WATER companies have told customers they can either pay higher bills or start enjoying excrement coming out of their taps.

Michelle Mone's frozen assets – a guide

£75m of Baroness Mone’s assets have been frozen. These are just a few of them.

The Post Office, and other companies with bullshit slogans that need updating

EVERY big company in the UK has a wanky slogan, even the laughably useless privatised utilities and the downright evil Post Office. Here are some suggestions for updating them.

Work

Emergency plumber drunk on godlike power

AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.

I hate my life, says only honest person on LinkedIn

THE only honest profile on LinkedIn has shared that he hates his job, boss and life and could not give a free-form f**k about his employer’s strategic vision.

Six things that f**k over your chances of getting out of work on time

HOPING to finish work bang on time for once? No chance. One of these twists of fate is about to royally screw you over.

Man who just went on LinkedIn still feels dirty

A MAN who went on LinkedIn for five minutes is consumed with self-loathing after hitting ‘like’ on several posts of tedious self-promotional bullshit.

Six wankers who always pipe up when the meeting reaches Any Other Business

READY for this tedious, pointless meeting to end, so you can get the f**k out of there? Not so fast, these six arseholes will always have something to add.

A white home counties roadman's bruv actin' like Snoop Dogg coz him's been to Hamsterdam
WAGWAN? Active J been cold. Man woz sayin’ nuffink to no bruv, hespecially da XL dickhead, Drilla! An’ man’s gyal, Lady G.

Alcohol

Lads' pub chat dries up after all 90s footballers named

A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.

Pre-drinking effortlessly dovetails into proper drinking

A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking.

Night out with mates disappointingly good in the end

A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it.

Five reasons school night hangovers are worse than weekend hangovers

WEEKEND hangovers are bad enough, but they’ve got nothing on ones during the working week. Here’s why you’ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night.

Seven unpleasant truths you'll have to confront in Dry January

DRY January lasts just one month, but the things you learn while not drinking will stay with you forever. Prepare yourself for these grim truths about your existence.

Woman who drinks shitloads of wine surprisingly unknowledgeable about it

A WOMAN who has been drinking at least three bottles of wine a week for decades knows very little about it except that it comes in red, white and pink varieties.

Five catastrophically bad times and places for sex that men would still be totally down for
THERE are times in life when stripping off and having sex would be a disastrously stupid idea, and men would be down for them all. Including these.