THE final monarch of the Tudor dynasty, Queen Elizabeth I of England was known for her intelligence, diplomacy, and virginity. But the last was not entirely by choice.
RIGHT-WING Conservative MPs are secretly plotting to make Penny Mordaunt leader so the party can go out on a sexy high, it has emerged.
CHILDREN say the cruelest, funniest things, directly to you in front of a roomful of people, like ‘Where’s your hair gone, uncle Simon?’ Here’s how to laugh it off.
AN upwardly-mobile man’s parents just love providing a contrast between his humble origins and what he has achieved in life.
Given the phrase ‘colder than a witch’s tit’ it’s odd witchfinders didn’t use that to identify their quarry. Perk of the job etcetera.
A COUPLE’S adorable meet cute has led to them ramming their engorged genitals into one another within the same day.
FOR 57 whole hours an entire junction of the M25 has closed. Why must London always be the one that suffers?
WAKING up in a puddle of very stale vomit, possibly mine, possibly Gloria Hunniford’s, I look back fondly on a several-month-long alcoholic ‘binge’.
Politics
THE people of Britain have paid their respects to an ex-prime minister who was still utterly awful but marginally less crap than her successors.
THE Conservative Party has signalled it is entering the final stages of its 200-year existence by f**king over the last people in Britain who support it.
THE government recently argued that under-16s should be banned from social media, but it's old people like me who've been stupidly claiming an octopus mascot on University Challenge was antisemitic.
JEREMY Hunt has playfully tousled your hair and warmly told you not to spend all your 2p savings at once.
Society
A NOW quite worried Britain has requested everyone stop pissing about and explain what actually has happened to the Princess of Wales.
FINANCIAL handouts are entirely acceptable when middle-class parents earning up to £60,000 receive them, it has emerged.
COLIN Firth’s shirt from Pride and Prejudice has been auctioned for £25,000, which is a lot for a very predictable wank fantasy. Here are some more that are tediously socially acceptable.
JEREMY Hunt has instructed cash-strapped councils to stop spending money on diversity training. But has he considered the effect on people who love criticising them, ie. these twats?
THE smallest possible socially acceptable sum of money has been donated to a friend’s fundraiser, it has emerged.
Lifestyle
A BRITISH man has once again been f**ked over by Google’s assertion that Mother’s Day falls in May.
WANKING is the best human experience possible, but did you know it feels even better in a hotel room? Here's why.
WANT to really get on a taxi driver’s tits during the short journey from the pub to your house? Try these techniques:
AT university, the bar for what constitutes as acceptable behaviour is basically subsurface. However, do any of these things as a proper adult and you will become a social leper.
A MIDDLE-AGED woman who wants to feel energised to the point of anxiety can do so by drinking a strong cup of tea after midday, she has confirmed.
Sport
A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.
FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?
CHARISMATIC Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp is leaving the club at the end of the season. What now for the club and the city?
Science & Technology
BUCKINGHAM Palace has admitted that no such person as ‘Kate Middleton’ ever existed outside of digital imaging software.
SIGNING off an email is a minefield in which you’re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot. Here are some of the twattiest sign-offs to avoid.
A HEART-WARMING montage of recent images created by a father’s phone consists almost entirely of pictures of meter readings and Wi-Fi router codes.
SEX, like justice, must not only be done but be seen to be done. But when signalling to friends, family and work colleagues from 2008 that you’ve recently done it be subtle.
THE first US craft to land on the moon for 50 years has reported that it is still a big dusty rock of little interest to anyone.
IT is only a matter of hours until a man’s gleaming new laptop will be used to view the most degrading pornography imaginable, he has admitted.
Arts & Entertainment
THE hair-deprived are often demonised in fiction just as they are in real life. Here are the works which unjustly paint the bald as irredeemable villains.
HI! Geri here! As the intellectual architect of Girl Power, my life philosophy has been guiding me through the challenging situation of my husband sending sleazy texts to a young colleague. Here’s how.
LECHEROUS women have dragged their reluctant boyfriends and husbands to see an arse-numbing barely-comprehensible sci-fi epic with giant worms in.
A MAN who enjoys telling everyone that he has a passion for world cinema actually means he’s into gratuitous violence and nudity.
Business
‘BECAUSE we value our customers, we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised,’ say businesses, and the f**kers get away with it.
BUSINESSES displaying ‘Dogs Welcome!’ signs have clarified that they only mean nice, well-behaved and well-groomed middle-class dogs whose owners spend money.
WATER companies have told customers they can either pay higher bills or start enjoying excrement coming out of their taps.
£75m of Baroness Mone’s assets have been frozen. These are just a few of them.
EVERY big company in the UK has a wanky slogan, even the laughably useless privatised utilities and the downright evil Post Office. Here are some suggestions for updating them.
Work
AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.
THE only honest profile on LinkedIn has shared that he hates his job, boss and life and could not give a free-form f**k about his employer’s strategic vision.
HOPING to finish work bang on time for once? No chance. One of these twists of fate is about to royally screw you over.
A MAN who went on LinkedIn for five minutes is consumed with self-loathing after hitting ‘like’ on several posts of tedious self-promotional bullshit.
READY for this tedious, pointless meeting to end, so you can get the f**k out of there? Not so fast, these six arseholes will always have something to add.
Alcohol
A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.
A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking.
A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it.
WEEKEND hangovers are bad enough, but they’ve got nothing on ones during the working week. Here’s why you’ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night.
DRY January lasts just one month, but the things you learn while not drinking will stay with you forever. Prepare yourself for these grim truths about your existence.
A WOMAN who has been drinking at least three bottles of wine a week for decades knows very little about it except that it comes in red, white and pink varieties.