I have no idea what I have just done

AS prime minister and leader of your country, I have just done something which will have consequences completely unknown to me.

You could have just emailed, says EU

EU LEADERS are puzzled about why Britain wrote them a letter in the age of electronic communication.

Scotland wants independence too, but in a bad way

SCOTLAND wants independence in a way that is nationalistic rather than patriotic, according to the government.

Arseholed Nick Clegg screams filth at a pigeon

AN incredibly drunk Nick Clegg has been swearing violently at a pigeon in central London.

Attempt to befriend office loner reveals why he is a loner

A GOOD-HEARTED attempted to befriend a widely ignored co-worker has backfired, it has emerged.

Everybody ordered to get with their Brexit Buddy

THE entire population of the UK must spend the next two years with their government-assigned Brexit Buddy.

Ask Holly: May needs to stay on top of her ironing pile

MY granny also thinks Daniel O'Donnell is sexy so she is clearly off her head.

Reformed Honey Monster now wants to be called just 'Monster'

THE monster formerly known as 'Honey Monster' has changed his name after beating his sugar addiction.

It’s just a bit of fun, says soulless, hate-filled editor of Daily Mail

DAILY Mail editor Paul Dacre insisted his ‘legs-it’ front page was ‘a bit of fun’ in a voice that made everyone think of a derelict Victorian hospital.