Everyone already hates mature student

A MATURE student returning to university to take a second degree is already loathed by his fellow students and tutors alike, they have confirmed.

Black cab drivers to revel in victory over Uber for centuries to come

LONDON drivers have already started to relate to their passengers the Great Saga of the Black Cabs’ Triumph over Uber which will be told for centuries to come.

Year Nine announce gains in war against enthusiastic new teacher

LEADERS of the Year Nine rebel insurgency have announced significant gains in its war against a keen new teacher.

We are cruising at 36,000ft and I hate these bastards even more than you do, announces Ryanair pilot

THE pilot of a Ryanair flight has announced that the plane is cruising at 36,000ft, that skies are clear all the way to Madrid, and that he hates his employer more than you ever could.

May makes generous offer to remain in reality for further two years

THE prime minister has offered to abide by the laws of reality for a further two years while details of the wonderful fantasyland awaiting Britain are negotiated.

Pigs insulted by vegetarian bacon

PIGS are disgusted with humans for pretending that vegetarian bacon made of rehydrated soya protein could compare to their delicious flesh.

Smokers reclaim rightful ownership of beer gardens

SMOKERS have reclaimed their rightful ownership of all outdoor territory surrounding pubs following a drop in temperature.

Woman seeing three men at once struggling with the admin

A WOMAN dating three different men simultaneously is finding it an organisational nightmare, she has confirmed.