the dailymash

Britain's felines said new government guidelines issued to humans were an attack on their privacy and revealed a 'twisted obessession' with how and where they go to the toilet.

However, they welcomed new rules for dogs, who they described as the animal equivalent of a human in the advanced stages of Alzheimers.

Zanzibar, a Persian from Bath, said: "Throw the ball. Fetch the ball. Throw the ball. Fetch the ball. Fuckin' idiots."

He added: "I don't need to be entertained like some toddler, thank you very much. I just need access to a garden where I can torture birds to death.

"And by the way - give me food whenever I want it or I'll fuck off and live with someone else."

Bobsie, a tortoisehell tabby from Hampstead, said: "It is your job to open tins and not swing me by the tail. Not difficult.

"And I suppose I could shit in the garden, but what you fail to grasp  is the unbridled enjoyment I derive from dumping in a tray of piss-soaked gravel in the corner of the kitchen - while you're having your tea. Good day."