OCTOPUS WARDROBES FULL OF USELESS SHOES

OCTOPUSES' wardrobes are full of hundreds of pairs of useless shoes, new research reveals.

Socks? Seriously?

Octopuses have for years been gifted multiple pairs of boots and socks by friends at birthdays and Christmas, despite insisting they would prefer the latest Harry Potter or the first series of The Wire on DVD.

However, scientists have now discovered that six of the octopus's eight 'legs' are in fact arms, and that they would have been much happier with mittens, nail varnish or a Rubik's cube.

Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "We put Chris Martin in large pool full of octopuses, the idea being to test whether they favoured their right or left feet.

"But only two of their eight 'legs' were used for kicking. Four were used to slap him round the face, and the last two to cover their ears."

He added: "The good news is they play the bagpipes really well, if we can get them to stop mounting them."

The revelation has alarmed the British Shoe Federation which has launched a massive lobbying campaign, claiming blackmarket octopus shoe sales will be used to fund organised crime.

Nikki Hollis, head of PR, said: "If you really want your daughter dead of drugs and the terrorists to destroy our way of life then yes, go ahead and buy some cheap shoes off an octopus in a market.

"All we are saying is that you should you know the facts first."

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