Animals Headlines

British Squirrels 'Fattest In Europe'

BRITAIN now has the fattest squirrels in the European Union, according to new figures from the department of health.

Blue Peter Viewers Wanted To Name Cat 'Pisswizard'

THE BBC has apologised to Blue Peter viewers after fixing the results of its latest 24-hour cat-naming phone-in poll.

Record Number Of Dogs Passing GCSEs

MORE than 75% of dogs who sat this year's GCSE exams have achieved at least three passing grades, the government has announced.

Cows Blame Sheep For Foot And Mouth Lab Leak

THE cows have blamed the sheep for the recent foot and mouth outbreak and accused their animal foes of turning the conflict in the countryside into a dirty war. 

'We're Going To Sue The Crap Out Of You' Say Miming Orangutans

A NEW study of Orangutans has found they can communicate using complex charades with the traditional "stuck in a glass box" mime clearly signalling "let me out of here you bastards".

Boffins Produce World's First Cheese-Eating Mouse

SCIENTISTS have combined a mouse with a giant ear on its back and a mouse with spider’s legs to produce a small, cute creature with an inordinate fondness for cheese. 

Miracle Cat Knows When Old People Are About To Be Racist

MOLLY, a tabby cat at a Bournemouth nursing home, has displayed an uncanny ability for identifying elderly racists.

UK Flood Defences 'Sabotaged By Ducks'

BRITAIN'S flood defences have been undermined by a decade long conspiracy involving some of the country's most influential ducks, the Daily Mash has learned.