Suicidal Bear Unscathed After Climbing Into Monkey Enclosure
HELMUT, a severely depressed brown bear, has repeatedly failed to find other species at his zoo that would be capable of eating him.
Helmut said: "I'd overhead the keepers saying that the Langurs could be very nasty if you got between them and their mangoes, so I thought I'd give it a go.
"I hauled my massive three-ton butt into their enclosure and bellowed that they were 'a bunch of simian bell-ends'. You can imagine my disappointment when they all immediately scattered, pissing and shitting everywhere in terror."
He added: "So I just sat there for a bit, eating their fruit, until eventually the keepers came and got me. God, I'm so miserable."
The previous week, Helmut's suicidal urges caused him to climb in with the wolves, who went and hid in a cave, and an elderly Galapagos tortoise.
Helmut said: "I was pretty hopeful with the tortoise as it didn't run away, it just sort of stared at me, chewing, and I thought it might have been working up to biting my head off. Clearly I didn't do my research."
Tom Logan, a keeper at Swindon Zoo, said: "Helmut is a gentle giant but also a total misery and forever trying to cash his chips by getting himself eaten. Unfortunately that's easier said than done when you're the size of a Transit van with a mouthful of kitchen knives.
"His best hope is that a mental person climbs in with him, then we'll have to shoot him. Which is ironic really."
He added: "I blame myself for playing Helmut a lot of Tom Waits while bottle-feeding him as a cub."
