TERRIFYING SPIDER TO REDO KITCHEN AND BATHROOM

A HUGE and terrifying spider which forced an Essex family from their home is already planning a major programme of refurbishment.

A lean-to conservatory provides extra living space and is a great place for feasting on mice

The camel spider plans to rip out the existing kitchen, replace the sanitary ware in the main bathroom and has asked three local firms to quote for a conservatory.

It said last night: "Let's knock down the partition between the kitchen and the dining room and replace it with a wide archway where I can spin huge webs for snaring cats.

"And we'll obviously have to reconfigure the bedrooms to accommodate the five and a half million children I'll be having next spring."

The spider added: "The last home I forced a family out of was in northern Afghanistan.

"I tried my best but there's only so much you can do with mud and sticks. I was never gonna get on Grand Designs with that one."

The spider said it was sorry the family had to move out, stressing it was more than happy to share.

"Just me and my huge, scaly abdomen, my eight hairy, spindly legs that help me move silently up your arm, and of course my nightmarish pincers that I use to kill enormous scorpions."

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