Animals
Dog Doesn't Save Owner From Mountain Lion
A HIKER has been killed by a mountain lion after his golden retriever chose to run away instead of defending him.
Suicidal Bear Unscathed After Climbing Into Monkey Enclosure
HELMUT, a severely depressed brown bear, has repeatedly failed to find other species at his zoo that would be capable of eating him.
Dinosaurs Sounded Like Scousers, Say Experts
THE steaming Jurassic jungles were alive with the sound of dinosaurs that sounded like aggrieved Scousers, paleontologists have claimed.
No Such Thing As Arsehole Bees, Say Experts
THERE is no bee equivalent of a lazy, self-centered arsehole who offloads all their admin onto you, according to new research.
Chimpanzee Displays Human Trait Of Not Liking Prison
A CHIMPANZEE in a Swedish zoo has displayed the distinctly human characteristic of not enjoying being locked up against his will.
Thanks For All Your Fucking Help, Says River Mouse
A MOUSE which survived a terrifying ordeal in a freezing river has thanked all the humans who stood on the bank taking pictures with their mobile phones.
Asian Monkey Coup
MONKEYS controlled much of eastern Asia last night after launching a series of swift and ruthless coups d'état.
BBC Captures Rare Footage Of Fiona Bruce Having A Shit
IT is as thick as your arm and smells disgusting - and it has just been caught on camera for what is thought to be the first time.
Cats Fine, Say Cats
CATS last night thanked the government for its interest in their welfare but insisted they were fine.