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29-05-08 |
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 'Open the door, open the door, open the door'
A MONKEY has failed in its bid to escape from a laboratory using nothing but the power of thought.
Ian, a four year-old capuchin, attempted the telekinetic feat after using his thoughts to operate a robotic arm and feed himself a banana.
He said: "In case you were wondering - yes, having all those pointy electrodes rammed into your brain does hurt like a bastard.
"If it didn't, then why the fuck am I the one wearing the electric helmet?"
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13-05-08 |
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A PAIR of giant Pandas who arrived in Scotland this week have claimed they were duped after being promised a fortnight in Majorca. |
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08-05-08 |
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A DAFFODIL who accused a Bumblebee of groping it in a public park was asking for it, the bee claimed last night. |
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07-05-08 |
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THESE puppies are absolutely adorable, it was confirmed last night. |
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06-05-08 |
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ENORMOUS, terrifying tropical insects that are the stuff of nightmares may at last be on the brink of extinction, it was claimed last night.
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01-05-08 |
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A HUGE squid found off the coast of Antarctica is basically the same as a normal squid, only much, much bigger, a team of disappointed zoologists said last night. |
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29-04-08 |
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THE scientist who invented a mouse that could eat as much as it liked without getting fat has been found dead in his laboratory with his body covered in tiny teeth marks. |
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03-04-08 |
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A BEAUTIFUL camel who also claims to be a part-time model is really just a dirty skank who is mad for cock, one of her ex-boyfriends revealed last night. |
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14-03-08 |
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ANT colonies are not harmoniously run communes but large sprawling ranches in Texas rife with infighting and extra-marital affairs, new research reveals. |
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