A DRAWING of an ejaculating penis found in a Bristol toilet cubicle is believed to be an early work by guerilla art genius Banksy.

POP group Oasis will stage a comeback later this year under the new name of Noelgallagher, it emerged last night.

CHANNEL Four last night said it had taken the 'extremely difficult' decision to put the latest batch of Big Brother housemates to sleep.

SINGER Amy Winehouse is launching an attempt on the world drug-bender record to raise money for a Ugandan primary school.

RECORD numbers of movie-goers across Britain are queuing up to be bombarded with giant lumps of three dimensional faeces.

THE new Sony PS3 games console will suck more of your existence into a vortex of pointlessness than the Nintendo Wii and the X-Box put together, the company promised last night.

RADIOHEAD'S pledge to stop making albums will save thousands of lives a year, experts claimed last night.

BRITAIN is set to become 68% more pleasant as the Edinburgh Fringe draws in the country's full quota of pathologically self-absorbed bastards for the next three weeks.