the dailymash

Cowell replaced by ageing, embittered drag queen

ITV's Shit Factor will return later this year with Simon Cowell being replaced by a contemptuous showbiz failure.

Super-injunction to ban promotion of films

A LEGAL move is being made to keep 95% of new films a secret.

Adele created by 'shit women go on about' brainstorming session

RECORDING phenomenon Adele is the result of some men writing a list of woman-friendly things on a whiteboard, it has emerged.

Mario and Luigi not actually brothers but do live together

MOUSTACHIOED adventurers Mario and Luigi are not related but they do have a special bond, it has emerged.

BBC to make startling documentary about your unnecessary children

THE BBC natural history unit is to make a ground-breaking series about the consequences of your unsustainable breeding.

Film stupider than audience

ACTION-fantasy tripe bucket Sucker Punch has made idiots feel cleverer than something.

BBC admits it hasn't really nailed it since Ceefax

CEEFAX was probably the last really good thing the BBC did, the director general has admitted.

Gospel music to focus on non-existence of God

MODERN gospel music is increasingly about the non-existence of a supreme being, it has emerged.

Theatre groups to remind Britain why they are the first things to be cut

THEATRE groups across Britain will unite this weekend to remind taxpayers exactly why they are being cut.