GORDON Brown has begun his political fightback by appearing in a hilarious video about Britain's looming economic collapse.

NEWSNIGHT presenter Jeremy Paxman last night admitted he had grown weary of his testicles and would like them to be removed by a Scotsman.

CHINA was last night congratulated for its adoption of western values after banning an ugly child from appearing on television. 

CILLA BLACK, the nation's matchmaker, is to return to our screens with a radical new format for the co-mingling of sub-standard genetic material. 

THE BBC is to ban the use of any number higher than nine from its television and radio news bulletins, the Corporation said last night. 

A RECORD number of people were last night claiming to have read The Gulag Archipelago by Alexander Solzhenitsyn.

LICENCE fee payers have been fined a record £400,000 by Ofcom for allowing the BBC to con them with a series of fake phone-in competitions.

COUNTDOWN is to outsource its numbers round to India following major budget cuts by Channel Four.