BIG Brother contestants are to be given more bananas and a tyre on a rope, Channel 4 said last night.

ALL programmes and adverts shown on British television will have to be approved by a committee of 200 latent homosexuals, it was confirmed last night.

THOUSANDS of viewers have contacted the advertising standards watchdog demanding a controversial striptease ad be shown the minute they get home from work.

THE cast of Yorkshire police drama Heartbeat has topped the bill in this year's Queen's Birthday honours list.

GUY Ritchie is to write and direct the worst Sherlock Holmes film in the history of cinema, Warner Bros confirmed last night.

THE first contestant who manages to sell an Amstrad Emailer will win The Apprentice, Sir Alan Sugar said last night.

THE producers of Big Brother have once again resisted calls to introduce humans into the house, sticking with the all-vegetable format for the ninth year in a row.

ANY moron can see that Jonathan Ross and Chris Moyles are paid far, far too much, according to a major review of BBC salaries.