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GUY RITCHIE TO MAKE WORST SHERLOCK HOLMES FILM EVER

GUY Ritchie is to write and direct the worst Sherlock Holmes film in the history of cinema, Warner Bros confirmed last night.

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FIRST APPRENTICE TO SELL AN EMAILER WINS, SAYS SUGAR

THE first contestant who manages to sell an Amstrad Emailer will win The Apprentice, Sir Alan Sugar said last night.

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BIG BROTHER UNVEILS ALL-VEGETABLE HOUSE

THE producers of Big Brother have once again resisted calls to introduce humans into the house, sticking with the all-vegetable format for the ninth year in a row.

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