the dailymash

Recession To Be Susan Boyle-Shaped

THE recession is likely to be the shape of quirky Scottish songstress Susan Boyle lying on her back, experts said last night.

Tax Accountants Order New Bentleys

BRITAIN'S tax accountants were last night gleefully flicking through brochures for the Bentley Continental GT after chancellor Alistair Darling unveiled radical plans to take more money from rich people.

Government Throws Weight Behind Rubber Cars

IN a dual bid to reinvigorate the car industry and reduce road deaths, UK engineers are being given a £100m grant to develop the world's first rubber car.

Britain's Only Shop Makes Enormous Profit

THE only place where people can buy things has made a huge profit again, it has been confirmed.

The Recession Has Gonorrhea, Claims Downing Street

THE recession has a sexually transmitted disease that it has been covering up for years, Downing Street sources have claimed.

G20 Produces One Trillion Dollars From Behind Your Ear

THE G20 summit made you giggle like a schoolgirl last night after producing a shiny $1 trillion coin from behind your right ear.

Pointless Thing Starts

MORE than 800 world leaders meet in London today amid the highest levels of security ever to surround an incredibly pointless thing.

City Workers Urged To Dress Like Scum And Talk About 'Corrie'

WORKERS in the City of London can protect themselves from violent protesters by dressing like scum and talking about something called 'Corrie', it was claimed last night.

There's No More Money, Says Man Who Prints All The Money

BRITAIN has run out of money, the man who prints it said last night.