the dailymash

Firms urged to hire stupid little shits

BRITISH businesses have been urged to hire surly, undereducated malcontents because at least they are not foreign.

Elderly Australian man satisfied with purchase

AN Australian pensioner today declared the British government to be excellent value for money.

Mobile phone companies step up mission to make world a better place

MOBILE phone operators have confirmed they will need more money to achieve their sole aim of bringing the whole world together.

Shop selling expensive, uncomfortable things to close

A SHOP which sells really uncomfortable sofas for £3000 is to close down.

Britain urges RBS to take huge, potentially lucrative risks

THE Royal Bank of Scotland has been urged to make a series of massive, insanely risky investments in a bid to boost its share price.

Facebook apologises for ugly-recognition software

MARK Zuckerberg has admitted that a Facebook app automatically highlighting how hideous people are was a mistake.

Apple fans demand perfectly designed box for iCloud

APPLE fans last night welcomed the new iCloud service but said they would like a lovely box to put it in.

Bosses of cold calling companies still refusing to kill themselves

THE call centre bosses whose minions regularly upset your nan are still ignoring demands to destroy themselves, according to new research.

Airlines crack down on fraudulent vegetarians

AIR passengers will have their in-flight meal choices stored on a database in a bid to catch fake vegetarians.