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BRITAIN PICKS OUT NEW HANDCART

BRITAIN will today pick out a nice, new handcart as it completes its preparations for the journey to Hell.

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TESCO NAILS CHICKEN TO RIVER COTTAGE DOOR

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco has stepped up its campaign against TV chef Hugh Fearnley-Whttingstall by nailing a live chicken to the door of River Cottage.

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ANN SUMMERS MOVES UPMARKET WITH CROTCHLESS EVENING GOWN

ANN Summers is moving upmarket with a new range aimed at the middle classes, including a stunning open-crotch evening gown.

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YOUR STARS

sagittarius

      Taurus: Saturn has made
    work and property your top
    priority since May, but now
    Mercury has decided it’s time
   you were fired and your
    home repossessed.


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